Kareoke will never be a sober sport
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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