Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
third nipple confirmed
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
