I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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