you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
