Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
