im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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