i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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