do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
