im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize