Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
