Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
