wakey wakey hands off snakey
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
