i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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