I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
