My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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