Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
