Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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