if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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