hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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