the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
