Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
