I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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