FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just found puke in my bra..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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