Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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