So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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