I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
