I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
