If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
