My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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