I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
