if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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