I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This is my gift to your gina
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
