I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My vagina just clenched in fear
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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