of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
