He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick