I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
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I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.