i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
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Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text