His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
