At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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