His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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