Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
