I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
