I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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