i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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