oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
