May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
