Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
