Where are you?
In a non slutty way
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
