You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
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I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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