So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
