You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
