I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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