I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I want is dick and wine.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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