By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
