Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
