you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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