I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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