just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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