found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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