I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
