What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
